So instead of doing a comic this week, I wrote an article for my friend Ryan's humor column, the humor is a bit self-referencing but other than that it's a rompin' good time.
Readers, my name is Caldwell Tanner, and I’m afraid I have bad news.
At precisely 1:45 pm on Saturday, November 1st, Ryan Christopher Rebecca Coons Jr. was taken to the critical care unit of the Dixie Classic Hospital after accidentally walking into rush hour traffic. He had just finished watching the new film Beowulf in 3D, and upon catching his reflection in the mirror while washing his hands, decided that his new glasses not only brought movie magic to life, but looked quite stylish in an “Elvis Costello meets Risky Business” kind of way. Unfortunately, Ryan neglected to read the warning printed on the side of his new eyewear, which clearly stated.
Warning – these glasses provide no UV protection and completely obscure any and all peripheral vision. Anyway, you bought them so you could watch a stupid movie alone on a Saturday afternoon; do you really want to advertise that fact? Whatever man, do what you want, I just hope you don’t get hit by rush hour traffic or something lame like that.
Two weeks later, Ryan called me and asked me to come visit him at the hospital. I congratulated him on no longer being in a coma, and then rushed to my car, eager to see my friend again, and hopefully steal a stethoscope or two in the process. When I entered the room, he was wearing a full-body cast with the exception of his left elbow, which I later found out was the only bone he didn’t break. I asked him if I could sign his cast, and took the painful expression of fear on his eyes to be a yes. I then proceeded to sign my full name and a lengthy quote from Paradise Lost on his upper torso.
After the nurse had re-bandaged Ryan’s newly opened wounds and given him a healthy dose of elephant-grade morphine, Ryan informed me that while in his comatose state he had had the most amazing dream. A subconscious journey which he claimed had changed his entire outlook on life. Pulling a notepad from my stylish man-satchel, I began to transcribe this marvelous tale.
Months later, Ryan’s Song climbed to the top of best seller’s lists nationwide. The following is an excerpt from the novel, now available wherever fine books, muffins, or gopeds are sold.
Ryan’s Song: Chapter One
It was a Wednesday afternoon like any other. I was on my way to meet up with my buddy Zach Braff. We had finally decided to get those matching “Best Friends For Life” tattoos we’d been talking about. I waved excitedly as I saw him riding up on the Razor Scooter I’d given him for his birthday last year. He rolled over to me and said,
“Ryan, I’m parched, what say we grab some Vitamin Waters before hitting the Tat shop?” I laughed, I loved the way Zach always abbreviated things.
“Sounds good” I say, “I’ve been cravin’ some dragonfruit all day, let’s do it!” After performing our secret handshake (and a few chest bumps for good measure) We raced towards the nearest convenience store. Just then I heard a terrible crashing noise, followed by a shockwave that knocked me right off my scooter and into a conveniently placed pile of neglected Old Gold and Black back issues. I looked up. Standing before me was an entire army of Tyrannosaurus Rexes, but these were no ordinary T-Rexes, anybody could see that (as long as they happened to be a time traveling secret agent dinosaur hunter, like me, I didn’t mention that yet, but I am), these were Robo-rexes, sent from the future to inflict techno-prehistoric terror upon the past. Dangling from the mouth of the Alpha Rex was my former best friend’s arm, blood quickly staining his vintage button down polo.
“Zach NOOOOOO!” I cried. I grab my scooter, activate the turbo boost and blast off towards the Alpha-Rex. It was payback time.
“Hey dino-DICKS!” I scream, pulling a laser sword from inside my pea coat. “I’ve got a present for you…Present DAY” I switch on the laser sword and ride into battle, the memory of Zach still heavy on my heart.
Thus concludes our reading of Ryan’s Song. Be sure to check out the Ryan’s Song movie, the ultimate 3D experience only in theaters Fall 2008!